Cameron's Kitchen Table #3

David Cameron stares blankly at his laptop. His ears have changed from a milky coral colour to a deep crimson.

David: 10 BILLION POUNDS!? 10 BILLION POUNDS!?

Samantha: (flicking through a cath kidston catalogue) What's "10 billion pounds" dear?

David: oh nothing... Just the BLOODY AID BUDGET. BLOODY POOR PEOPLE IN UNDEVELOPED COUNTRIES. BLOODY HELL.

Samantha: darling! we have to have an aid budget- it's rather crucial.

David: blah blah blah.. crucial? nonsense. What's crucial is our defence! i don't want those bloody poor people, who happen to be in a "crisis", to attack us. Not having enough ammunition, with which to blow up those who pose a threat to me, is a crisis.  Realising you've blown your own expenses budget on aid- that's a crisis. Waitrose closing because there is a terror threat and not being able to buy the right sort of granola (the one that sort of clumps together with honey...)- that. is. a. CRISIS! but i'm not asking for aid, am i? compensation for my granola? I. DON'T. THINK. SO.

Samantha: But surely you can't think that it might be preferable to invest in war and killing rather than aid and saving people? think of your reputation!

David: Good point. Don't want the press to make it obvious that i don't care about anywhere else but england... They might suggest that i'm thinking of joining UKIP! (although i have heard that they have a very good pension plan...) no. I can't look like a fool. It can't seem like i am actually encouraging the cutting of the aid budget. Humph. I'm going to have to ermmm... sugar coat it.... hmmm.... any ideas?

Samantha: how about saying that without defence you can't start to help development? something about requiring security and stability first? And we could call the transfer of funding "sharing"! oh and make it into just something you're... considering... then you can back out when you want! Yay!

David: ahhh... that way i won't have to invest in a bullet proof vest but can still stop giving money to the bloody poor and desperate. clever. Maybe i should put you in cabinet... apparently i need more women... bloody feminists and their rights...

Samantha: maybe we should order you a bullet proof vest after all...


Tip: This is a tip for the PM- ah david. sadly, though security and stability are important, aid is rather more than that. We sort of need it because it... umm... how can i make this accessible to you.... HELPS people? Defence is all well and good but we need to, at the very least, appear to be humane... So a little less "sharing" and a bit more caring, eh?

OAP spells Pope.

Now if you've been somewhere in outer space for the past day you might not have heard that the Pope has resigned. He's the first pope to resign in just under 6 centuries. And what's his reason? old age. He feels too frail to continue with his work for the catholic church and, if i'm honest, fair enough really... it's a hugely demanding role and it's not as if anyone has been going soft on him about his decisions because of his age (and rightly so, might i add).

Now it's all well and good the story of the Pope resigning but what i found most entertaining was that just hours after he announced his resignation lightning struck the Vatican. No, not metaphorically- real lightning... the kind that splinters across the sky... Now if that has not been taken as a sign or an omen by some fanatic somewhere then an opportunity has been missed. "God shall smite thee"- come on guys?! I'm certain that over the next few months there will be at least one new apocalypse prediction- brace yourselves for "28th of February...2013. The end of the World.... again... no, really, we're sure about this one!" 

But on a more serious note: Cardinals over 80 aren't allowed to vote for the next pope (Simon Cowell should totally get on that..."The pope factor"...deffo.)  which means that Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, who used to be the leader of the English and Welsh Catholic Church, will not be eligible to vote. Although the Catholic Church is adamant that England and Wales will still be involved as cardinals all discuss and talk amongst themselves, I can't help but think that it's a little unfair... 

So after a rather exciting time for the Catholic Church we begin to wonder who might replace Pope Benedict XVI (my money is on the favourite: Cardinal Peter Turkson of Ghana) and wonder whether anything will change... optimistically the church might get a bit more liberal? or am i asking too much?

Tip: keep tracking the development of this story... i have a feeling more lightning, omens and general buzz around the Pope is yet to come... 

Vamping it up for Lucetta

This is a little post for my friend lucetta who is, to put it lightly, obsessed with a new acoustic-driven indie rock band called "The Vamps"- made up of 3 guys called Tristan, Brad and James. They're a bit of a youtube/twitter/facebook/general internet sensation right here in England as well as right across the world...

(If you haven't heard the Vamps yet here is a little sample: Little Things (one direction cover) - Thus far they mostly do covers though i am told that there might be an album of original material out sometime this year.. am i right boys?)

Now I quite like this band... and that is saying something as i usually hate all gorgeous-boys-singing-love-songs type bands- especially if they are cover based and all over the internet... but anyway! as i was saying.. I quite like this band. I think they're sort of quirky and cute- they are not one direction wannabes, which is a relief as i have to say i'm not all too keen on the originals, but they do cover some of their songs which is ok because, amazingly, they make them bearable. me likey.

Also it's not detrimental to their ratings from me that they are rather... well... lovely. we likey. But i am not naive- good looking guys doesn't necessarily mean good music and thus i conducted a small experiment to make sure my fangirl mind set wasn't completely affecting my musical judgement. Cue the blind fold theory. If i could happily listen to a new cover of theirs with a blind fold on, so i couldn't see their faces, surely i would be able to focus entirely on the music? yes? yes. So that's what i did. Cue the Vamps Bruno Mars Mashup cover. As i listened i realised there was some, by which i mean a lot of, genuine talent here. Something, i have to admit, i was not exactly expecting to hear with the blindfold on (sorry guys... to be fair i am a bit of a cynic at the best of times)!

What i also like about this band is that they feel quite real. They seem a bit like 3 guys (who remind me of my brothers) who have been swept up in youtube fame and the music industry and are still holding on tight to their normal lives. I like that. It's what i usually dislike about the current music scene- that everyone is so other worldly and superior... The Vamps seem more down-to-earth, more tangible almost. There is something about them singing in a hotel room, a basement/garage type thingy, a normal every day set that makes them into normal people- and it can't just be me that thinks that normal people are better than weirdo-celebrities with massive egos?

Lucetta tells me regularly that the vamps are quite literally the best thing that has happened to her in.. forever. Now i'm not sure i'm quite at that stage... though i could be persuaded by the album... At the moment I'm waiting to hear more of their original material- i'm a stickler for singer-songwriters! So i look forward to hearing it... I look forward to seeing whether Lucetta ever gets to meet Tristan or gets a follow from any of them (@LucettaAdams)... I look forward to seeing whether they stay real or just blur into the celebrity stereotype... I look forward to keeping my eye on the Vamps...

Tip: firstly, have a listen to the Vamps so you know what i've been talking about.
       secondly, if you have twitter follow @TheVampsband, @TheVampsJames, @TheVampsTristan, @TheVampsBrad and, of course, @vidaadamczewski (that's me)
   
vamp 1 |vamp|noun1 the upper front part of a boot or shoe.2 (in jazz and popular music) a short, simple introductory passage, usually repeated several times until otherwise instructed.verb
1 [ no obj. ] repeat a short, simple passage of music: the band was vamping gently behind his busy lead guitar.ORIGIN Middle English (denoting the foot of a stocking): shortening ofOld French avantpie, from avant ‘before’ + pie ‘foot.’ The musicalsense of the verb developed from the general sense ‘improvise.’

vamp 2 |vamp| informalnouna woman who uses sexual attraction to exploit men. (umm guys... have you got something to tell us...)

"Findus some more horses"

When i heard the reports of possible 100% horse meat lasagne my initial reaction was to laugh, then to retch and then to properly consider it. During the war no one would have turned their nose at a bit of horse... but then i suppose you were aware that that was what you were dealing with... What shocked me most about it was the idea that the food it was found in was so processed that horse meat was virtually indistinguishable from beef.

It worries me that we are so used to just bunging a ready meal in the oven that we don't really even stop to think what sort of things it might have in it- and i'm not just talking about horses! the sheer number of chemicals used to make certain foods taste and look a certain way is unbelievable. From preservatives, to colourings, additives to fat substitutes- we eat them all a regular basis but we hardly ever think about them. Take... Pop tarts for example. I have nothing against pop tarts... from what i've heard they're quite delicious... but i think there is something quite disconcerting about the fact that they have icing on top that doesn't change shape even after being toasted... Normal icing would melt. Normal icing would at the very least get a bit sticky and soft. Normal icing would not stay rock solid on top of the biscuit. 

And that is just one example of scientists working for huge companies to make food do things it would never normally do! Soft scoop ice-cream... cake mix... etc. etc. We live in a world where food is a million dollar industry and one that provides us with cheap food that we can heat up and eat in less than 40 seconds. A world in which the sound of a fork piercing the plastic cover on a ready meal is almost constant. A world in which people are obese but they don't know why. 

We need to stop eating processed food even if it claims to be healthy, claims to be natural and claims to be humane- because as we know ready meals aren't always what they claim to be. Yes, there is a need for cheap food products but we can help feed poor families using foods that aren't made of miscellaneous meats and a cocktail of chemicals...

So... Tesco and Aldi with your "Findus some more horses" products- I know Waitrose has been putting a bit of a Heston Blumenthal twist on some of it's preprepared foods recently but that doesn't mean you have to too!

Tip: From now on before tucking into my lasagne i will temptingly hold a sugar lump over it, or alternatively a handful of hay or oats. I suggest you do the same. 

Analysing over analysis.

Now, i wonder how many of you can remember the last time you over analysed a piece of literature. For me it was at approximately 4 minutes past 12 today- and it was absolutely horrendous. It felt like unpicking a seam in a piece of clothing and then untwisting the thread fibres so that you end up with a tiny, feeble piece of fluff that is pretending that it was once part of the full garment.

[for those of you unfamiliar with over analysing literature I shall give you a quick step by step guide:
1: read the above paragraph 4 times.
2: highlight the following words and phrases "approximately" "4 minutes past 12""absolutely horrendous" "unpicking a seam" "untwisting... fibres" "feeble piece of fluff"
3: now spend 10 minutes contemplating "what the author's aim was", "the tone and atmosphere that the quotations convey" and "the styles, approaches, tools and techniques the author uses".
4: Now write up your thoughts using words like "shows", "evokes", "suggests", "infers", "references", "symbolises" etc. etc. And remember- You must use the Point, Evidence, Explanation (P.E.E) structure in your paragraphs.
5: repeat 60 times and try to stretch your answer into a whole 6 page essay. fun times.]

No wonder people don't like learning english literature!? It's so tiresome. It's just a constant stream of essays requiring you to ruin every book or poem or play you ever loved and turn it into a selection of carefully chosen quotations and carefully sculpted A* analysis paragraphs. English should be about more than just analysing and pulling apart authors' work. It ought to be about manipulating your own language, communicating your ideas and passions, using words to express yourself and your opinions and learning to love and appreciate literature- NOT about learning to destroy and dissect it!

I'm sure John Steinbeck and George Orwell (among others) would be horrified to hear that their work was the source of such great pain and irritation for the very minds that they were trying to educate and influence. I'm sure there are few poets that would like to know that every line they ever wrote was scrutinised and pulled apart on a daily basis, that people would search for reasons behind trivial phrases and coincidental or subconscious language choices. The best authors write instinctively- they don't carefully choose each word and meticulously link each phrase to other images they've explored; it's usually natural, involuntary and not over thought.

We are nurturing a hate for the finest literature that we have access to. We are making young people despise the names "Wilfred Owen", "Jane Austen", "Charlotte Bronte", "Ernest Hemingway", "Virginia Woolf", "Harper Lee".... We are letting a mark based system flourish while allowing true passion and excitement decay. We don't encourage individuality and self-expression. It just about grades, and grades are just about analysing. On the rare occasions that students can discuss something they are genuinely enthusiastic about it holds less than half the number of marks of an essay that is based on a structure provided by the teacher. Difference and originality are not rewarded.

Tip: whenever you can don't analyse the things you read. Just read and digest. Let the tricks that the author uses to inspire emotions in you go unanalysed. Writing is subliminal- it's meant to make you feel things without you being able to pin point how. It's mean to represent the way we interact in real life- the fact that sometimes we can't work out why we feel how we feel. We are human. Literature is human. Analysing... that's unnatural.

Chris Huhne fails his driving test

Chris Huhne has now admitted to making his then wife take the blame for his speeding. It actually makes me laugh that last year he was ranting about how he denied the charges and would fight reporters in the courts and even last month he was still determinedly pleading "not guilty", yet now... now he's resigned as an MP and is probably (not) looking forward to a spell in prison. I wonder how he'll go down in jail... not great, i imagine.

What really strikes me about this story is how the AA have responded. They said that it "sent a clear message" to other drivers who consider making other people take the blame for their road offences. It makes you think about just how often this sort of thing happens... Apparently we are whole country of people telling their less successful spouse to take the blame for their road rage- sounds promising....

The other major knock on effect that it will have is that suddenly there is a window open in Eastleigh for another party to take the majority there in the next general election- It looks like Eastleigh is about to get a lot less liberal and a bit more... well.... either UKIP or conservative (now there is a lose lose situation!). I have never liked the liberal democrats and i have certainly never liked Chris Huhne but he is a hell of a lot better than Nigel Farage! Let's just hope this by-election doesn't leave us with a UKIP seat... we have steered pretty much clear of them so far and thank goodness for that, i say!

I suppose we should all tut and shake our heads at Huhne but do we really have the time? He's resigned. Once you've got the facts there isn't much more to discuss. I think the AA making a sort of (Im)moral example of him is a little excessive. He doesn't have the moral fibre we would like to see in our politicians but, if we're honest, can any of us name one politician who we actually think doesn't have any dirty secrets? I don't think so. Yes, we do all dislike Huhne. And Yes, he is an idiot for doing it. But if there is one thing we should really take from it, it's the fact that he managed to get away with it for so long- 10 YEARS!?! really? what is our justice system coming to? We need a few more Poirots methinks...

Tip: if you are living in the Eastleigh constituency please don't vote in a conservative or UKIP or any one else like that for that matter. Pleaassssseeeeeeeee.

men are from... earth?

I often notice that people are very quick to assume that if someone has been sexist then they must have insulted a woman. This is not the case. In fact there is even an element of sexism involved in assuming that it is men that are sexist towards women.

Actually we have an ingrained, sort of societal sexism towards men.  The ideal man traits, the blokish characteristics, the physical prowess that we connect with the male sex. We assume that men like football and wrestling. That they either work in a suit or in a uniform. We assume that all men are macho and that men aren't sensitive or emotional. We tend to connect emotion, vulnerability and tenderness with women and strength, power and brutality with men.

This seemingly condoned sexism is encouraged by the images of men, and women for that matter, in the media- in tv programmes, films and even on the news. How often do you watch the women's football team play? my guess is not all too often. You could say that not being aware of the female football culture was sexist towards women and you would be right, but it is also sexist towards men. It creates a link between football and men. It creates the idea of a "real man". Are there "fake" men? honestly.

The "real" man probably watches football, topless, reeking of lynx, with a beer in one hand and the other hand up a woman's skirt- I'm pretty sure that that's more of a fantasy to most men.  The "fake" man on the other hand probably anxiously tries to successfully do a press up when trying to impress a girl while sweating, reeking of nervous sweat and tears.

We are sexist towards men in that we assume they like the colour blue. We are sexist towards men in that we assume that they like sport. We are sexist towards men in that we don't think they should stay at home and look after children. We are sexist towards men in that we think they should be out and about busily being a "real" man. We are sexist about men a hell of a lot but we don't admit it, we don't acknowledge it and we often aren't even aware of the gender stereotyping we enforce on both men and women.

(Tip) So next time you accuse someone of being sexist just think about whether you are actually a incy bit sexist yourself. You might think the least sexist thing to do is to empower women with your patronising, self-motivation, female initiative rubbish, but actually the least sexist thing to do might be to stop forcing men to watch top gear and stop asking them to fix your bicycle- they probably know a woman who is much better at it than them anyway.

Facebook Faces Face the Facts

"Aww babes you look totez beautz"
"Aww fanks! but you must be talking about your sex pot self"
"OMG awww! but seriously-this is such a nice pic!"

400 "awwws" later and some people who dislike each other are still pretending to be best mates who genuinely think each other are "beauts". The fact is that for every 200 likes, your edited selfie picture becomes less and less real. You become an object of the internet- only liked because you popped up on someone's newsfeed, only complimented because your photo is air brushed and filtered. Your photoshopped, social networking face is not who you really are at all. The person you really are is a ordinary enough human being with eyes, nose and mouth all arranged in a normal enough way. You probably have a spot or scar on your forehead. You probably have bags under your eyes. You probably don't look anything like your profile picture that everyone says is so "stunning". urgh.

You probably aren't friends with 600 people and you probably, if we're honest, don't think "Babyjustwantstolivelovelaugh pink_rabbit xx :*:*" is that pretty. In fact you probably don't even know her real name. You probably sit at home, eating a digestive thinking "urgh. she's such a poser! and she's such a bitch." but as you click the like button you know that if you weren't frenemies with her you would probably have far fewer friends and far more enemies. You probably don't want to comment "awww" but you do because it's what everyone does. She probably doesn't want to respond to your comment by saying "awww-but you!" She'd rather write "and why are you commenting you ugly cow?" but she won't.

Most of us do it. Most of us pretend to be friends with people who we don't know that well, don't like that much and don't really care about. It occurred even before Facebook and twitter and all of those sites provided a platform for it. It's present in the way we civilly talk to colleagues, to friends of friends and even in the way we talk to our families. We are constantly acting. Constantly trying to keep up the pretence of our popularity, social status and intelligence. As humans it's only natural to want to be seen from the best angle, in the best light, at your best. But as friends, family members, colleagues it's also important for us to be honest with ourselves and with each other. We have to learn to accept and deal with our faults- maybe learn to love them. We have to realise that pretending to be friends with someone is no substitute for a real friendship.

Tip: Be a bit more honest with yourself. That's all. Oh and please stop saying "aww babes you are such a hotty omg aww :*"- no one needs it in their life. It is a waste of pixels.

(in response to http://amyand7billion.blogspot.co.uk/)

poverty, prejudice and the politically incorrect

So I wrote a little post about Iain Duncan Smith for my friend's blog and i wondered if you'd like to have a read:

http://politicsforteenagers.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/the-poverty-of-iain-duncan-smiths-ideas.html

The style is a little different but i thing the message still rings true- Our politicians don't understand how the poor live and don't appear to be attempting to either. They seem to think if they can just sweep a whole demographic of people under the carpet and then make some cuts to clear the defect (unsuccessfully, i might add) that affect those that need the support the most. It's absolutely disgusting, to be honest. It's a combination of prejudice, ignorance and stupidity- and to think we let these people run our country?! Well, i don't know about you, but i can't wait for the revolution!

Tip: as I've said before let's try and make ourselves heard and speak out against this ridiculous, loathsome behaviour. Politicians are meant to represent the people and i don't think they're doing a very good job.