This is an obesity-inducing BLT alternative, often called the Brains Not Possessed Sa'dwich. It is best not to plan it in advance but go for a more slap-dash give-or-take approach. Have no fear, there will be P-LENTY of waste.
-can't be produced on a minimum wage income-
Take two slices of the bread line and roll them with a heavy rolling pin until they are stretched very thin (look for crack lines, gaping holes and tears).
Heat a stolen iceberg lettuce slowly on a low heat until it starts to wilt.
Continue heating it until some of the oily liquid starts to bubble out.
Collect this liquid and save for later.
Using a knife, wildly cut back some vegetables until only the grimy bottoms remain.
Lay these stubs out on one slice of bread.
Slop the lettuce on over the top and hope for the best.
Grate a big cheese and then place the rind on top of the lettuce.
Leave the grated cheese with the oil from earlier.
Fold a P45 neatly and place on top of the lettuce. This should give the Sa'dwich a nice blunt texture.
If you wish, you may want to finish with some Bratwurst- but european isn't to everyone's taste.
Finally, smear a generous amount of bullshit (I recommend the Conservative's Staple Range) on top to coagulate the ingredients and finish with the remaining slice of bread.
Serve with a hefty bill, a box of tissues and a voting form.
for more 21st century recipe ideas check out Gove's Reformed Beans, Not-allowed-to-be-a-rainbow Cake and Eton Mess.
Thursday 11 July 2013
To rant or not to- bitch please, is there even a question?
You know you have a good mate when you can rant about how much you hate sexism, conservatism and board games (or should we call them 'bored' games?) without them making it clear that you are infringing on their personal passiveness and right to live in content ignorance.
This is basically how i choose the majority of my friends.
It's not that i'm not open to a variety of different view points but the simple fact is... if you won't let me rant then you aren't going to be getting much conversation out of me tbh, and i am nothing without my conversation. (literally nothing. just a pile of clothes and a dead soul. cheery, i know.) I mean, i don't know whether you've noticed, but i LOVE a good rant. It's basically why i started this blog. that and a need to funnel some desperate, and often terrible (see 'bored' game gag for more details), witticisms into a more productive vessel. Cue blog post numero uno.
I need friends who are willing to listen and/or join me in my ranting. I like to have a kindred spirit to exchange expletives with when Gove's name crops up. I like someone to nod and high five but also criticise and question me. I like getting those friendly text responses saying "damn straight gurll" when I angrily punch my nokia brick phone buttons about sexists and oppressive if-you-haven't-found-God-you-are-a-failure activists who attempt to convert me in the time it takes for the tube to get from Tottenham court road to Goodge street.... urgh.
That reminds me...
*pauses post to angry text friend*
But my prospective friends list is growing bare and there is a lack of fresh meat appearing. Too many people- of all ages- are just too happy to sit on the fence and forgive every politician's bad moves by saying "but i'm sure they're lovely in real life!"
(Take, for instance, the american election. Ah, Mitt Romney. i decided quickly that he was an awful, disgusting specimen. And i made this opinion known.
"Err Mitt Romney is a terrible person."
"You can't say that! you don't know him!"
no. but i do know that i could never get to know a proud sexist, homophobic, idiotic, ignorant man who is prone to victim blaming and increasing his fake tan to match the ethnicity of his spectators. He doesn't sound that lovely really, does he?)
What i am trying to say is that we need a few more people to take a stand. A few more people to try climbing the shard King Kong style with campaign flags in hand. A few more people to get up on the trains, buses and tubes and tell the sexist old fool who is strutting around that he is a misogynist and should, in future, keep his mouth shut. A few more people who actually enjoy engaging in debates.A few more ranters and ravers and ramblers with good brains and the ability to aggressively touch type- that is a prerequisite. obvs.
We need them because they are the people that probe our politicians, question our society's values and identify the neanderthals that walk among us. If we invest in a generation of opinionated, interested, inspired ranters now, we might just get a generation of opinionated, interested, inspired world leaders in the future. I call it Sustainable Genius. You might just call it common sense.
In my (relatively short) time, I have found the odd fellow ranter. We always get on like a house on fire. Scratch that. We always get on like the great fire of London!
*If you would like to find a ranter to angry text for yourself, here are some qualities they often possess:
They often have fringes (though not always).
They often throw shit at fans (even if that is purely proverbial... we hope...).
They often quote Shakespeare, Marx or Lucy from Made in Chelsea.
They often lurk in coffee shops.
They often have a fondness for cats.
tip: find yourself a ranter. or better yet, become a ranter yourself. "We need YOU!"
This is basically how i choose the majority of my friends.
It's not that i'm not open to a variety of different view points but the simple fact is... if you won't let me rant then you aren't going to be getting much conversation out of me tbh, and i am nothing without my conversation. (literally nothing. just a pile of clothes and a dead soul. cheery, i know.) I mean, i don't know whether you've noticed, but i LOVE a good rant. It's basically why i started this blog. that and a need to funnel some desperate, and often terrible (see 'bored' game gag for more details), witticisms into a more productive vessel. Cue blog post numero uno.
I need friends who are willing to listen and/or join me in my ranting. I like to have a kindred spirit to exchange expletives with when Gove's name crops up. I like someone to nod and high five but also criticise and question me. I like getting those friendly text responses saying "damn straight gurll" when I angrily punch my nokia brick phone buttons about sexists and oppressive if-you-haven't-found-God-you-are-a-failure activists who attempt to convert me in the time it takes for the tube to get from Tottenham court road to Goodge street.... urgh.
That reminds me...
*pauses post to angry text friend*
But my prospective friends list is growing bare and there is a lack of fresh meat appearing. Too many people- of all ages- are just too happy to sit on the fence and forgive every politician's bad moves by saying "but i'm sure they're lovely in real life!"
(Take, for instance, the american election. Ah, Mitt Romney. i decided quickly that he was an awful, disgusting specimen. And i made this opinion known.
"Err Mitt Romney is a terrible person."
"You can't say that! you don't know him!"
no. but i do know that i could never get to know a proud sexist, homophobic, idiotic, ignorant man who is prone to victim blaming and increasing his fake tan to match the ethnicity of his spectators. He doesn't sound that lovely really, does he?)
What i am trying to say is that we need a few more people to take a stand. A few more people to try climbing the shard King Kong style with campaign flags in hand. A few more people to get up on the trains, buses and tubes and tell the sexist old fool who is strutting around that he is a misogynist and should, in future, keep his mouth shut. A few more people who actually enjoy engaging in debates.A few more ranters and ravers and ramblers with good brains and the ability to aggressively touch type- that is a prerequisite. obvs.
We need them because they are the people that probe our politicians, question our society's values and identify the neanderthals that walk among us. If we invest in a generation of opinionated, interested, inspired ranters now, we might just get a generation of opinionated, interested, inspired world leaders in the future. I call it Sustainable Genius. You might just call it common sense.
In my (relatively short) time, I have found the odd fellow ranter. We always get on like a house on fire. Scratch that. We always get on like the great fire of London!
*If you would like to find a ranter to angry text for yourself, here are some qualities they often possess:
They often have fringes (though not always).
They often throw shit at fans (even if that is purely proverbial... we hope...).
They often quote Shakespeare, Marx or Lucy from Made in Chelsea.
They often lurk in coffee shops.
They often have a fondness for cats.
tip: find yourself a ranter. or better yet, become a ranter yourself. "We need YOU!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)