This is an obesity-inducing BLT alternative, often called the Brains Not Possessed Sa'dwich. It is best not to plan it in advance but go for a more slap-dash give-or-take approach. Have no fear, there will be P-LENTY of waste.
-can't be produced on a minimum wage income-
Take two slices of the bread line and roll them with a heavy rolling pin until they are stretched very thin (look for crack lines, gaping holes and tears).
Heat a stolen iceberg lettuce slowly on a low heat until it starts to wilt.
Continue heating it until some of the oily liquid starts to bubble out.
Collect this liquid and save for later.
Using a knife, wildly cut back some vegetables until only the grimy bottoms remain.
Lay these stubs out on one slice of bread.
Slop the lettuce on over the top and hope for the best.
Grate a big cheese and then place the rind on top of the lettuce.
Leave the grated cheese with the oil from earlier.
Fold a P45 neatly and place on top of the lettuce. This should give the Sa'dwich a nice blunt texture.
If you wish, you may want to finish with some Bratwurst- but european isn't to everyone's taste.
Finally, smear a generous amount of bullshit (I recommend the Conservative's Staple Range) on top to coagulate the ingredients and finish with the remaining slice of bread.
Serve with a hefty bill, a box of tissues and a voting form.
for more 21st century recipe ideas check out Gove's Reformed Beans, Not-allowed-to-be-a-rainbow Cake and Eton Mess.
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