Cameron's Kitchen Table #3

David Cameron stares blankly at his laptop. His ears have changed from a milky coral colour to a deep crimson.

David: 10 BILLION POUNDS!? 10 BILLION POUNDS!?

Samantha: (flicking through a cath kidston catalogue) What's "10 billion pounds" dear?

David: oh nothing... Just the BLOODY AID BUDGET. BLOODY POOR PEOPLE IN UNDEVELOPED COUNTRIES. BLOODY HELL.

Samantha: darling! we have to have an aid budget- it's rather crucial.

David: blah blah blah.. crucial? nonsense. What's crucial is our defence! i don't want those bloody poor people, who happen to be in a "crisis", to attack us. Not having enough ammunition, with which to blow up those who pose a threat to me, is a crisis.  Realising you've blown your own expenses budget on aid- that's a crisis. Waitrose closing because there is a terror threat and not being able to buy the right sort of granola (the one that sort of clumps together with honey...)- that. is. a. CRISIS! but i'm not asking for aid, am i? compensation for my granola? I. DON'T. THINK. SO.

Samantha: But surely you can't think that it might be preferable to invest in war and killing rather than aid and saving people? think of your reputation!

David: Good point. Don't want the press to make it obvious that i don't care about anywhere else but england... They might suggest that i'm thinking of joining UKIP! (although i have heard that they have a very good pension plan...) no. I can't look like a fool. It can't seem like i am actually encouraging the cutting of the aid budget. Humph. I'm going to have to ermmm... sugar coat it.... hmmm.... any ideas?

Samantha: how about saying that without defence you can't start to help development? something about requiring security and stability first? And we could call the transfer of funding "sharing"! oh and make it into just something you're... considering... then you can back out when you want! Yay!

David: ahhh... that way i won't have to invest in a bullet proof vest but can still stop giving money to the bloody poor and desperate. clever. Maybe i should put you in cabinet... apparently i need more women... bloody feminists and their rights...

Samantha: maybe we should order you a bullet proof vest after all...


Tip: This is a tip for the PM- ah david. sadly, though security and stability are important, aid is rather more than that. We sort of need it because it... umm... how can i make this accessible to you.... HELPS people? Defence is all well and good but we need to, at the very least, appear to be humane... So a little less "sharing" and a bit more caring, eh?